This is a subjective list covering certain things/people I’ve encountered at shows, which discourage me from ever going to a show again. The rest of the Hail Mary Jane staff does not necessarily agree with my assertions. Check them out after the break.
10) White people that have dreads. We get it. You listened to the Toots in college and got one of those cool hemp necklaces (which secretly makes your neck itchy, but it looks too rad to take off). But, for the love of God, take those ridiculous dreadlocks out (it’s merely a coincidence my ex-girlfriend had dreadlocks).
9) Don’t go on and on about “How fucked up you are.” We get it. You’re stoned. Let’s move on.
8) I love meat. In fact, I love veal especially. Those baby cows are delicious. Who are your kidding with your PETA bumper stickers and pins. Get that shit out of my face while I eat this cheeseburger.
7) Dave Matthews Band fans. Go away. All of you. Seriously, birkenstocks and hemp necklace does not entitle you to talk about all the heady nug they scored on shakedown street. Here’s a hint. There is no shakedown street at a DMB show. There’s just a lot of drunken frat guys lookin’ to rape the one girl that ate too many pot brownies. Am I generalizing? You betcha.
6) Phish fans that complain about the show they just saw. We get that you’ve been following the band since the West Coast on your parents dime, but I don’t give a shit if they played “Wilson” crappy. Let me just enjoy the show and go put your mouth around that tank. Speaking of nitrous tanks…
7) Use a fuckin’ balloon you morons. You ruin nitrous for the rest of us when one of you idiots decides to be a tough and put your mouth on a tank and die.
6) Following a jam band doesn’t mean you can neglect basic body odor. Even if you’re at a festival and there are only some spigots of water, hose down your stank ass and use some deodorant.
5) No, I will not buy one of your grilled cheese for $5. That’s ridiculous.
4) Stop trying to sell me doses when your hands are covered in dirt. I wouldn’t buy drugs from you if they were the last drugs on the planet. Wash your fuckin’ hands and cut your fingernails.
3) Females, please shave your armpits. Please, for the love of god, shave your armpits. Don’t do it for men, do it for yourselves.
2) Don’t start getting paranoid that other people know you’re high. You’re at a show where 95% of the people around you aren’t only high, but they’re probably on harder drugs. Suck it up, or stop using drugs you can’t handle. Better yet, stop going to shows altogether.
1) Stop bothering me about tickets outside the venue. NO, I will not sell you the ticket I bought like everyone else at the show. I don’t care if you lost your ticket in a sketchy mushroom deal. Stay away from me.
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