Everybody has their vices, and we stoners happen to have more than anyone else. Besides the obvious, weed, we also have an uncontrollable addiction to Doritos, soda, string cheese, masturbation, recliners, and television. While I could go on forever about all the different TV shows that give me a boner (Cops, Dexter, South Park, Conan, anything on the History channel, etc.), I think it’s important to note one of our established favorites: the crime drama. Why do potheads love crime dramas? I’ve spent weeks investigating and documenting the matter and I’ve come up with 5 main reasons. Check ‘em out.
1. Time Slot Convenience
At any given time, on any given channel, you can find some variation of CSI, Law & Order, or one of a million other crime dramas. Sleuth is an entire channel dedicated to marathons of Burn Notice, Monk, and Psych (which double as crime comedies, but stoners don’t discriminate…plus Psych is the best show EVER). I’ve lost entire days of my life planted on my living room couch with my roommates, smoking bowl after bowl, devouring Tostitos and salsa con queso, watching 6 hour blocks of these shows.
You see, the main hours of operation for most potheads are from noon to about 2 AM, and the majority of that time is spent vegging out in front of the boob tube. And what TV shows run all afternoon into the wee hours of the morning? CRIME DRAMAS. And once you find out that there’s another episode on after this one, and one after that, and one after that, and so on – well, needless to say, it’s game over. Why bother wasting energy on changing the channel when you have a perfectly good crime drama that never ends? That energy could be put to good use throwing some Bagel Bites into the toaster oven, or packing up another bowl.
2. Melodramatic Bullshit = Unintended Comedy
Strangely enough, the best part of crime drama isn’t the crime or the drama – it’s the acting. You see, some genius sitting behind the camera had the bright idea to tell all the actors to be overly dramatic in every possible situation. Melodrama leads to unrealistic emotion, which in turn leads to the destruction of the illusion of reality, which in turn makes you aware of how completely retarded the show is, which consequently leads to group giggle fits. After the initial laughter subsides, there’s the necessary 10 minute conversation about how the fuck this show has been able to survive for 20 seasons, which results in more uncontrollable laughter, and sometimes even tears of joy.
Case in point: David Caruso, who popularized the Caruso Method of Dramatic Television Acting (see the video above), employed a clever use of sunglasses (whether he was putting them on or taking them off) and hilarious one liners to convey seriousness, and accidentally stumbled upon the single funniest repetitive action known to man.
3. Totally Unbelievable Scenarios
Forgetting Sarah Marshall tackled both the ridiculousness of the David Caruso Method and the complete silliness of the situations that these detectives find themselves in. There’s always some dead guy whose penis was bitten off, or some girl who faked a raping to get out of taking a final exam, or some quiet, obedient secretary who ends up being a sadistic murderer, or a secret society ritually killing and raping people in the woods (not necessarily in that order) behind a nuclear power plant. Or even a combination of all the above…but only if it’s the season finale. Anyone, high as fuck or 100% sober, has to laugh at how completely implausible the cases are.
And it goes without saying that all partners inevitably fall in love with each other (because it’s only fair if every set of detectives comes with one dude and one girl). That’s an obvious sign that a crime drama is really reaching to get back up in the ratings – you can’t fool me: I’m not only smart…I’m also stoned off my ass. But the ridiculousness only adds to the tractorbeam-like pull, as the show slowly devolves from seriousness into one enormous joke. It’s almost as if the folks who write the show KNOW exactly who they’re writing for, blending suspenseful cliffhangers with fake seriousness.
4. The Ability to Theoretically Outwit and Outmaneuver TV Detectives
Stoners love utilizing their powers of deduction. It gives us a sense of accomplishment and competency, regardless of how lazy we are in real life. While our favorite fictional detectives, with all their PhDs in criminology or whatever, are scrambling and stumbling around trying to put together silly clues, we’re already ten steps ahead of them. Every crime drama has a formula, and usually it’s fairly easy to decode. While some shows strictly focus on finding the criminal mastermind (hint: it’s always a one-off minor character from the beginning of the episode who you wouldn’t initially suspect), others try to determine which of two opposing sides is telling the truth (almost all of the time neither side is being completely truthful…people are lying bastards). The earlier you call it, the better your fictional detective skills are…it’s like a game, and the prize is a fat blunt.
At the same time, we potheads also like to think that we’re better criminals than all the fictional psychopaths who murder their bosses or kidnap a bus full of children. Hell, if we can get away with buying, selling, and smoking pounds upon pounds of sweet, sticky cheeba, then surely we can pull some sneaky maneuvers to outwit some dumbass cops. We feel required to correct every misstep on the criminal’s part, even though it won’t change the outcome.
Obviously, the best part of crime dramas are the super random cameos: Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Diddy, the entire cast of Battlestar Galactica, Khloe Kardashian, Ludacris, Stephen Colbert, Gary Busey, Julia Roberts, Method Man, Chevy Chase, Jennifer Garner, Big Boi, Claire Danes, Kevin Smith – do I really need to keep going? The list could go on forever, with each special guest more ridiculous than the last. This is the real reason we enjoy crime dramas so much – pop culture cameos combined with the above 4 reasons create a whirlwind of stonerific dramedy that keeps you glued to the couch with a pipe in your mouth, potentially until the day you die…or decide to give up smoking. Now I’m off to burn an L and watch Psych, because I got myself all excited. Peaceee.