5 Statements That Will Make Stoners Hate Me

This post was written by Kyler Durden, Click here to read more by this author

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I know after you read this post, some may hate me. That’s not what I’m aiming for. The people who know me personally know I have a lot of opinions on a lot of different things. Some they don’t agree with, but they don’t despise me for having them. The only reason I’m posting this is because it may intrigue you, confuse you, or even anger you. And I like when books and movies effect me in this way. I don’t want to feel empty emotionally after reading something. I just want to feel something. Anything! Anything that triggers some deep thought. So just know I don’t want to make anyone mad at me, or in general, just think about what I say. I believe I make valid points, but I could be wrong. No one’s perfect. And leave me a comment if you must. Positive or negative, its all good by me. And also, sorry about the seriousness of this paragraph… I’m fucking baked right now. Sativa makes me really philosophical.

1) Half Baked Sucked

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I honestly didn’t like this movie. Hate is too strong of a word in this scenario. “I disliked this movie a lot’ is what I will say. I thought the script was pretty weak and some of the acting was way too cartoonish. To be fair, the first time I watched Half Baked, I wasn’t baked. And it was on TV, so that means the cussing was cut out. And, I didn’t smoke weed at the time. (I was 10 when it came out and 14 when I first watched it) Film school however was populated with stoners and after a while, I jumped on the cannabis band-wagon. (Not sure what a “Cannabis Band-Wagon” is, but it sounds bad ass right?) So I gave Half-Baked another chance, because everyone sees the film as a “classic”, and I thought I was missing out. But, I got fully baked with my friends one night and watched it, and was again disappointed.

During the movie I’m saying out loud, “This is so stupid, how can you guys like this movie?”. In front of all my friends, who had shocked and puzzled looks on their faces. Jim Breuer is NOT funny and his character “Brian” was stupid and annoying. And whenever they got high, suddenly, they’re flying around clouds and rainbows and shit. I don’t care if you’re Snoop, no weed is that good. The stuff they were smoking must have been laced with LSD or mushrooms (‘shrooms are good times by the way). The movie wasn’t all bad, as I loved Dave Chappelle and Harland Williams. Both are great in this movie. I just wish someone would write a realistic portrayal of stoners, and stop with the caricatures that infest stoner comedies these days (I’m looking at you, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle).

I guess I’ll have to write a good stoner comedy myself… oh wait a minute I already am, but that’s another story.

2) There’s No Good Stoner Music

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Pictured above are Kottonmouth Kings. They are everything that is wrong with pot-influenced music today. It is extremely hard to find some good stoner music and that upsets me. I love listening to music high, but I just can’t stand sub-par music. Along with Kottonmouth Kings, I’m not a big fan of Cypress Hill either. Everyone just sounds the same.

All of the pro-marijuana rap groups simply repeat a generic beat, talk through the lyrics (which are so fucking lame), and look silly. WTF is up with the dude in the mask? And what’s with the eyeliner, dude? Isn’t eyeliner reserved for goth chicks and emo singers? I don’t get it. Maybe I’m not cool enough. That’s a very good possibility.

Moving away from rap, let me give you the opportunity to hate me some more. Reggae music is over-rated. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I don’t like most reggae. I’ll give Bob Marley a pass, only because he’s a fucking legend. “I Shot the Sheriff” is awesome, but other than that, most reggae is repetitive and boring. The only excuse I can give, is that I’m white. Sorry.

3) Certain Stoners Give Stoners A Bad Name

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You know what I’m talking about here. There are two types of pot smokers that can be total buzzkills. The tree-hugging environmentalist stoners and the “Smoked So Much Weed I Appear To Have The IQ Of A 5th Grader” stoners. OK, so I get the fact that marijuana grows out of the ground and that makes it part of “mother nature”, but some take that mind-set too far. The Tree-Huggers get too invested it the mother nature aspect and decide to take on Earth’s welfare as their side-project.

Now stay with me liberals, I’m about to sound like a Republican for the next few sentences. Do you honestly think some plastic fucking bottles will be the down-fall of the planet Earth? This planet has survived billions of years dealing with getting hit by asteroids, UV rays, huge doses of radiation, and who knows what else. Tree-Huggers sound like whack-jobs whenever they talk about “being one with the Earth”.

They give smart, rational thinking stoners a bad name. But not as bad of a name like the next type of stoner that ruins it for everyone; The Dumb Stoner. These type of people sit around all day (they probably don’t have a job) and smoke ditch weed. They smoke bad shit, and in turn, act like morons. Now I’m not saying when you get high to have a conversation on Russian poetry and discuss the metaphors of Boris Pasternak. Just don’t act like a stupid stoner in public and get arrested for assaulting a mall cop. It’s people like this who make is so hard for marijuana to be legalized. Everyone’s scared we’ll have a million Adrianne Curry’s running around.

4) Marijuana Can Be Addictive

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This is the one I imagine most people will disagree with me about. But before you type your angry comment, let me explain my position. The drug itself, and the chemical compound responsible for getting you high (Tetrahydrocannabinol aka THC) is not addictive, but the feeling of being high can be addictive for some. This is true mostly in cases of young people smoking marijuana. According to a study conducted in 2000, 15% of people in rehab clinics are there for marijuana and of those people, 46% were under the age of 20. Although I suspect a large majority of the 15% are there on a court-ordered basis, it is naive to say that no one can be addicted to marijuana.

The people who are most likely to become addicted are young, poor, neglected kids. Once you reach your 20’s, I believe your threshold to become more susceptible to addiction decreases. But if you’re 14 and you’re parents are abusive (or just not around at all) and someone hands you a joint, you figure it’s better to be high than deal with your problems. And I don’t blame them. If there’s one thing i believe in more than the legalization of marijuana, it’s the responsible use of marijuana. Middle-schoolers have no business smoking anything, and if you have a chaotic home life, changing the way you feel seems very appealing.

5) The War On Drugs Shouldn’t Be Stopped

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Wait! I know that headline sounded bad. Let me explain further. The war on marijuana and other non-harmful drugs should stop, but the war on meth and harder drugs shouldn’t. When you smoke bud, you sit on the couch and watch TV while eating Doritos. When you smoke meth, you mug an old lady for her purse. Smoking marijuana is a victimless crime, but when you’re taking intense, chemically altered drugs, you would do crazy, sometimes violent things you wouldn’t normally do. I do agree that the war on drugs is currently a massive failure and a huge waste of our money, but to completely disband the Drug Enforcement Agency is a bad move.

The DEA just needs to move its focus away from soft drugs and start going after meth labs and heroin dealers. To say that all drugs should be legal, is a bit scary if you put it in realistic terms. Would you feel safe knowing that heroin junkies have protection under the law? I for one, don’t want to live in a society that is OK with people using meth and heroin. It ruins lives and leads to violent acts that wouldn’t be committed if the drug wasn’t in the picture. Let’s just rename it “The War On Hard Drugs”, and start putting these people in rehab, instead of jail. If you’re a drug addict, a few months in jail just gives you new connections and an emotionally scarring violent experience. Put the addicts in rehab instead. No more of this voluntary admittance to rehab clinics anymore. If you’re a danger to society, it should be our job to fix you, get you help, get you a NA Sponsor, and get you back to a normal, fulfilling life. You only get one chance on this planet, don’t mess it up.

Now that I just made you guys think seriously for a moment, I’ll end with a happy note. And by that, I mean a picture of a cute dog with a big bag of bud.

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Good Times,

Kyler Durden

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Author: Kyler Durden

Independent Filmmaker. I Write, Direct, Act, Edit, and Produce. Like writing in my spare time. And, I'm the biggest movie nerd you'll meet.

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