I Suck At Fantasy Football

This post was written by Stoner Jesus, Click here to read his blog and Click here to read more by this author

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It’s true, and it gets worse every year. I stand at 3 and 5 right now, not counting the ass-whipping I’m taking this weekend.

And I don’t know why. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who knows more about American Football than me. But every year I go through all the trouble of putting together a fantasy football team, and every year my record sucks. And I’m in the casual leagues, it’s not like I’m going against professionals. If I get a proven pro-bowler, they have the worst season of their careers, and they are never the same (yeah, I’m the one who destroyed Dante Culepepper’s career, and it’s taken Kurt Warner years to recover from me picking him).

Maybe it’s because I’m a Bengals fan, and their 15 year skid through the NFL infected me with something…fantasy football herpes. Yet even the year they are having (6 and 2) isn’t enough to help me. Having Michael Turner and Cedric Benson on my team isn’t enough. I just keep losing.

I know what you’re wondering: why should we care? Honestly, you probably shouldn’t care, but let’s face it, most of us fans will never play in the NFL. It’s why they invented fantasy football in the first place, so fat-asses like myself feel like they are “in the game.” At least our brains get a little workout.

Besides, isn’t fantasy football a good metaphor for life? Sometimes you can change things, and even pick a whole new team, but your year will still suck. But we draft a new team every year, in the hope that things will get better. Sure, I could just give up, but then why would I care about the Chiefs-Raiders game? Who would pay attention to the Lions stats, if not their poor fans and someone unfortunate enough to have a Lion on their fantasy football team?

I guess the moral of the story is that constant failure is not enough reason to give up. See, it’s a life lesson…and you were expecting some moron whining about fantasy football.

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Author: Stoner Jesus

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