In this column, all of us at Hail Mary Jane talk about one of our own favorite personally owned pieces of paraphernalia. Some names are changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).
Classification: Water Bong w/ Ice Catcher
Time Owned: One Year and Two Months
Name: Smoke Monster
This is the best bong I have ever had the pleasure of smoking out of. And fortunately, I own it.
The picture shown above was taken with my cell phone immediately after I had taken the first hit. You can actually see the smoke still inside. Me and my friend, lets call him ‘Howard’ (only because the name sounds very distinguished), were hot boxing my walk-in closet in my old apartment. With an upside-down laundry basket as a make shift table in the center, me and Howard had some good times that day. Also, as a side note, the weed sitting next to the bong was purchased from a hippie chick we’ve never met before behind a coffee shop on a super rainy day.
Smoke Monster was purchased at a smoke shop across the street from my former apartment. In fact, Howard used to work part-time for the owner of the place. Knowing this, I decided it was time for me to purchase my first bong, also knowing the guy would give me a good deal. Originally I just wanted a mini-bong (like this), but soon Howard and the owner were pressuring me into getting a full-size bong. I was hesitant, until I saw the slider.
A Fucking Skull.
I was sold. Smoke Monster was purchased for $120 (including the skull slider). It was marked at $150 for the bong, then $30 for the skull. Being friendly with your local smoke shop owner has its benefits kids.
It gets his name from the TV show Lost. I am a massive, obsessive uber-fan of the show (I’m always wearing a hat with the Dharma logo on it). And in turn, I have turned all my friends and smoke buddies onto the show, so we all are very familiar with the concept of The Smoke Monster in relation to Lost. Immediately after taking the first hit, I realized that the bong must be named Smoke Monster; its mysterious and you don’t know what to expect, but it can turn deadly without warning.
My bong has four stages:
1) [After hitting for 1 second] Wispy smoke, but it’s transparent.
2) [After hitting for 3 seconds] Still wispy, but its become opaque.
3) [After hitting for 5 seconds] Bright, solid, bleach, and a very thick white.
4) [After hitting for 5.00001 seconds] Dirty, scary, thick brown smoke.
Once Stage 4 hits you, you’re in pain and coughing up a lung. I’ve done it many times, and have seen many more people do this also. The first 3 Stages are painless and enjoyable, but if you don’t stop hitting once you reach Stage 3, you’re in trouble. However by now, me and most of my friends have got the timing down.
I’ve had Smoke Monster for more than a year now. Something I didn’t realize until later: Cleaning it is freakin’ hard. I use dish soap mostly, but it leaves a soapy after taste for a few days. I honestly don’t mind the way it looks now.
All the brown resin inside Smoke Monster shows everyone that we’ve been through some good times. I do try to keep it looking respectable though. I change the water almost every time I pack a new skull and rinse it out weekly with a strong stream of hot water. For the most part, it does the trick and I have no complaints.
Even if the unthinkable happens, and Smoke Monster is knocked over or dropped and broken, I’ll always remember the crazy times we have shared. And, I have a pretty good track record when it comes to broken pieces. I’ve chipped one bowl cleaning out the inside with a knife (i was high and thought it was a good idea). It wasn’t unusable, so that doesn’t count. The only piece I’ve let get broken on my watch was when an ex-girlfriend got pissed and shattered one of my glass pipes in a parking lot once.
Anyway, that’s the love story that is my relationship with Smoke Monster. It’ll always have a special place in my heart (Until I buy a new bong).
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