Social Media Will Turn You Into an Alcoholic, Pill-Popping Pothead

According to the National Survey on American Attitudes Towards Substance Abuse XVI (I much preferred XV’s findings), Facebook can “influence” your underage child to drink, Twitter will turn them into a pothead (follow us on Twitter!), and Jersey Shore will turn them into a pill-popping troglodytes* (I’m paraphrasing). It’s no coincidence the survey was conducted by CASA, or the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse. What’s that you say? Bias? Psshaw. What bias?

The studies author, Joseph Califano, who also happens to be the founder and chairman of Columbia University’s National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, claims in a written statement:

“The findings in this year’s survey should strike Facebook fear into the hearts of parents of young children and drive home the need for parents to give their children the will and skill to keep their heads above the water of the corrupting cultural currents their children must navigate.[…] The time has come for those who operate and profit from social networking sites like Facebook to deploy their technological expertise to curb such images and to deny use of their sites to children and teens who post pictures of themselves and their friends drunk, passed out or using drugs. Continuing to provide the electronic vehicle for transmitting such images constitutes electronic child abuse.”

Electronic child abuse. Hmmm, does Califano know how easy it is to get porn on the Internet? Does that mean all ISP providers are guily of electronic child abuse?  Do parents ever really do any parenting anymore, or do we let studies like this decide how we’re going to raise our kids? Don’t drink and do drugs when you’re young. You’ll turn into a cast member for a Jersey Shore spinoff. Wait, now I sound like Califano? Parents should know what their kids are getting into. 12-17 year-olds are going to do drugs and develop substance abuse problems regardless of who is tagging whom on someone’s facebook wall. If you’re a parent (why are you reading this blog) make sure your kids know the dangers in all drug and alcohol use. At the end of the day, all you can do is educate them (I am not a father).
Speaking of social media leading to substance abuse (and completely shredding any credibility I might have–I don’t have any). Make sure to follow Hail Mary Jane on
Where were we? Right social media.
Califano running this “study” would be like me claiming through my own “study” that marijuana makes everyone ten times smarter. I smoke marijuana, so my opinions are biased. Sorry for this confusing metaphor, but Joey Califano is the freakin’ founder of Columbia’s National Center on Substance Abuse! Of course he thinks social media leads to substance abuse. His job is substance abuse. I’m pretty sure if I looked hard enough, I could confirm that every drug abuser has at one point brushed their teeth. Is toothpaste the culprit?!
In other news, I did a study and pot leads to the munchies. Let’s publish!
*Seriously, don’t let your kids idolize Jersey Shore cast members. Teach them to laugh and mimic for the sake of LOLs and whatever kids are doing now.

[Secaucus New Jersey News; SF Gate; pic via Swingcatproductions]

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Author: Tyrel

Annoyed about writing my biographical information. but here you are.

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