Stoned At The Movies is a weekly article reviewing newly released movies in theaters and on DVD. All movies are watched while under the influence of marijuana.

9

9 poster

Let me start off by being nice. 9 (2009) is visually stunning. It has a very unique premise and a few (surprisingly) violent battle scenes between dolls and machines. It’s super original and starts off strong, but by the third act, I was squirming in my seat and checking the time so see when it would be over. And its only 79 minutes long so that’s not a good sign.

I caught the 12:25pm show at the local theater. I love going to see movies early in the day because the theaters are practically empty. I also like going by myself too. As long as I’m baked. Which I was.

What I Smoked: One Bowl

Lucky for me, I managed to pick up some bud late last night (1:08am) so I could get to see this movie baked. Good choice on my part, because if I saw this movie straight, I would be far more harsher than I’m going to be.

Plot: 9 takes place in a world parallel to our own, in which the very legacy of humanity is threatened. A group of sapient rag dolls, living a post-apocalyptic existence find one of their own, 9, who displays leadership qualities that may help them to survive.

The feeling I got from watching this movie is that is was trying to be epic and grandiose, but a few small and petty flaws prevent it from being as such. It seemed to have scale issues, meaning that all the dolls in the film are tiny (about as tall as a blunt if you stood it up vertically), but the seem to cover a huge amount of terrain during their journey to a mysterious factory in a ridiculously short time. It may not bug some, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it during the movie. But the dolls are not the only beings left in this human-less world. Freaky-looking machines roam the landscape, and if they spot a doll, it’s go time. The stylistic and brutal battle sequences between the two were the high-point of this movie.

Although this is an animated movie, I think some kids (at least under 12) would be scared by the machines. Even though I knew this movie was rated PG-13, I wasn’t expecting the grown-up violence. It’s got decapitations, scary robot snakes with baby doll heads, even some scenes of human corpses at the beginning of the film. And I swear at one point, one of the robot dolls appears to get high after holding a magnet to his head.

The voice acting was decent (Elijah Wood’s voice annoys me), and the first 40 minutes were enjoyable, but the overall story as a whole seemed to drag near the end. I will give this movie credit for at least being something different, and new, and interesting. Hollywood is currently stuck in the mind-set of a businessman, not an artist, and that’s why we keep getting generic romantic comedies and big budget sequels with terrible stories. This film breaks from the norm, but just isn’t engaging enough to warrant spending 10 bucks at the theater. Rent it on DVD and get baked, and I’d say there’s a 50/50 chance of you enjoying yourself or getting pissed at me for telling you to rent it.

Favorite Scene: 7 (voiced by Jennifer Connelly) does a aerial flip with her sword in the air, while wearing the skull of a bird, and cuts off the head of a spider-like machine. Bad Fucking Ass.

Watch Stoned or Sober?: Either, but you might enjoy it more just because your high.

Overall Score: 7.5 outta 10

Good Times,

Kyler Durden