Here is a picture of Alex Rodriguez showing a little too much love to Derek Jeter during the Yankees loss to the Angels in game 3. The butt smack in sports is a congratulatory gesture that athletes do to let the other guy know that he did a good job out there. Anyone who has ever played any kind of sports has probably had their bottom smacked at one point or another unexpectedly. Under normal society circumstances, this could be considered and threat to his manhood or a sign of attraction but like I said before it’s acceptable in sports SOMETIMES.
Here are the rules you MUST follow if you are going to be walking around smacking teammates asses. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- Pick one ass cheek or the other - Just like with anything else in life, there is NO middle ground here. You have to be decisive about which ass cheek you are going to hit because if you fall somewhere in between you are going to have issues.
- No cupping – As you can see in the picture above, A-Rod’s hand is clearly wrapped around the ass cheek. That should never happen, I repeat THAT SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN. Your hand should be kept flat at all times, nobody likes a surprise groper.
- Girl on girl ass smacking is preferable – Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t like a little semi-lesbian action from time to time? If there is, I am not one of those people. The more women we have smacking ass everywhere, the better the world will be. It’s like one of those things that you love that never seems to get old and you can never get enough of.
- No oggling – Yet another rule that A-Rod broke. We don’t want to know how cute Derek Jeter’s butt is or how soft/firm it is. He looks like a proctologist giving Derek and deep examination. NO! Eyes chest level or higher during the ass smacking.
- Only do it to congratulate good plays - The ass smack is not something to be taken lightly. It is not the same as a high five where you give the guy a high five after every free throw. You are only allowed to do it to congratulate teammates or to lift their spirits but mainly just to congratulate. Don’t just go around greeting teammates with ass smacks before the game. You will be lonely on the bench.
- Only one player is allowed to smack at a time – No ass smack gangbangs please. One player at a time, one cheek at a time and that’s it. It gets kind of confusing if multiple hands are back there and if your teammate breaks one of the rules, you don’t want to be accused of being the culprit.
- Fingers should stay together at all times – I’m looking at A-Rod again on on this one. There should never be a time when you clearly see in indent on the players ass from your fingers. It should just NOT happen. Some might not take it lightly and put an indent of their fist in your forehead. That’s not the way to bring the team together.
- Make it an ass tap – No lingering around the ass area too long. No holding your hand there or having conversations while your hand is there. Make it a quick “in and out” smack. That’s it. I’m serious about this one.
- Make sure it is during play – After the game ass smacks are questionable, towel smacks are unacceptable, smacking random asses on the street is downright dangerous. Just ask this guy….
- Limit your smacks to 3 per game - Do not smack the same players ass more than three times in a game. It will just start to get weird and he will probably get nervous and keep his ass as far away from you as possible. I bet we won’t see very many more Derek Jeter/A-Rod as smack incidents this postseason.
If there are any rules that I forgot, make sure to leave them in the comments.