All Charles Barkley Wanted Was Some Head
Welcome to 2009.
In with the New Year comes funny news out of Arizona concerning Charles Barkley‘s DUI issues.
Apparently Sir Charles claims that he was only in rush that evening because he wanted to get home to get a blowjob from the chick he was with.
According to the officer who wrote the report, “He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat.”
The officer continues: “He asked me to admit that she was ‘hot.’ He asked me, ‘You want the truth?’ When I told him I did he said, ‘I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a ‘blow job’ one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.”
You can fill in the blanks there.
Now I’m really mad at the officers. They pulled over the only hero the Phoenix Suns can say they’ve had, except for maybe Steve Nash but to this day he hasn’t taken them to the NBA finals yet.
So they pull over Sir Charles and who was only trying to get head. If that were me, I would’ve said ok ‘do your thing chuck’ but that just me. So what could Charles have said to get himself out of it?
Here are some of the best excuses to get out of a potential DUI.
“All those patron shots make it pretty hard to keep track of the speedometer.”
If your so drunk that you can barely drive your car and it’s obvious that you wouldn’t have made it home anyway, it may be best to just admit to the officer that your really drunk.
For all you know, you may get the one compassionate Officer that doesn’t care and will let you go even though he can barely understand what you’re saying because you are throwing up all over the place.
You most likely won’t but it’s worth a try.
I haven’t seen my boyfriend in three months and I got needs.
Ladies, this ones all you.
If you are drunk as hell and just trying to get home, you can play off this horny officers emotions with this one, if your cute.
He asks “Why are you going to fast, where’s the fire?”
You respond “I haven’t seen my boyfriend in three months and I got needs.”
He automatically realizes that your a horny, hot woman and he’s a man so he will give you whatever you want. You just have to play it right and not throwup on his shoes.
Driver: I suppose this will help you reach your quota, huh?
Guilt trip them. Guilt trip them.
We all know cops have a quota to fill when they are writing tickets. If they don’t reach a certain amount of tickets by the end of the month, they get in trouble. So in the end of the month you will see them giving out way more tickets than normal.
Most won’t admit it but if you try this one, you may just get the one cop that will feel bad that they’re system is bullshit and lets you go just for the hell of it.
“I’m out of tampons”
Again this ones for the ladies.
Ladies have so many ways to get get out of tickets, it’s unbelievable.
If you tell a cop that the reason your speeding down the highway is because your all out of tampons, you will most likely get out of tickets. When it comes to period juices flowing, men (for the most part) don’t want to have anything to do with that.
They might let you go without even checking your license.
“It’s my wifes time of the month, and she is not feeling very well”.
This is a variation of the last one, only it is for if you are the guy driving.
Tell the cop that your wife is not feeling well because of her period. She’s nauseous, shes squirting period juice all over the place, and she is acting like super bitch.
If he has a heart he will let you go.