Whats up everyone. This is my initial post on Hail Mary Jane so for everyone that was actually accomplishing something in the world yesterday I’ll let you know what went down in the NFL. I’ll also be the site’s token white kid so if any of you readers need to ask any questions I’ll be able to answer for every white person in America. Yeah, picking a pothead for their rep probably wasn’t the best idea. Anyway, to the games:
First lets go with my survivor pool picks because (besides the Giants) those are the ones I care about most.
NO vs. Det – What’s the easiest game to pick every week? Whoever is playing the Lions. What makes this even better is I have Brees on 2 of 3 fantasy teams. Well, 6 TDs are usually a good way to start the season, watch him pick apart the Lions D like he’s playing a bunch of Pop Warner kids:
Bal vs KC – New Head Coach, who fired his offensive coordinator before the season even starts, sound like they are gonna suck. I figured Baltimore’s D wouldn’t even let them score but I had to sweat this one out, luckily they pulled it out in the end, going out on week one would have been embarrassing. Good thing my man Joe Flacco threw a TD with 2 minutes left to win it then they tacked on another for good measure.
Sea vs. StL – I don’t usually like picking division games, but the Rams are just that bad. They showed it, getting shutout to start the season. I think every Rams fan should start packing it in for the season, it’s already over. The highlights are too terrible to watch so I’ll spare you.
Alright now to the games I was watching.
Dal vs TB – Yesterday we were blessed with being able to watch Dallas vs Tampa Bay along with the NY teams, guess they felt like we should get a present in the first week. At least we won’t get any shots of a fat Jessica Simpson this year, I wonder if Tony dumped her because she got fat or did she get fat because he dumped her? Either way good call Tony and nice notch on the belt.
NYJ vs. Hou – This is the game I was really watching. Missed kickoff because I needed to grab an 1/8. Tried to do it last night but my guy is unreliable and got blacked out wasted with a bunch of Brazilian girls, can’t say I blame him. I’ve been waiting for kickoff on Sunday since last super bowl and of course I end up missing it because I needed weed for the day, at least I have my priorities straight. Smoked my first blunt when my friend got over and was about 4 vodka 7s in before half. It was the start to a good day.
Guess the Texans offense couldn’t compete with the new Jets coaching staff, Everyone who had Texans starting on their fantasy teams yesterday lost, period.
Ok, before I get to the Giants game I need to address something. My girl went to go do laundry because she knew I wasn’t moving today. I was expecting all testosterone today and my asshole friend invites his 5 month pregnant girlfriend over. I’m pissed and express my displeasure by drinking about 5 more vodka 7s and hotboxing the living room with 2 blunts back to back, hoping she would leave. No dice and now she’s complaining about shit hurting. God I have life. I even tell another friend not to come over because she’s there, I’m a good friend. So my next move is to starve her out. I was going to make boneless wings but that pregnant bitch would probably eat them all so I’m gonna wait it out and just drink my ass off. Thank god it worked and she was gone by halftime. Never will he be invited over for football again, I have a one strike policy. I’m done with my rant now.
NYG vs. Wash – Rivalry game right off the bat for the G-Men. If our receiving corp, mostly rooks and 2nd year guys, can come to play this year we’ll be tough to beat. The Giants lost one of their 3 rbs, Ward, to TB in the offseason but we still have the beast that is Brandon Jacobs and then Bradshaw for the change of pace. The defensive line is somehow better than last year with Osi coming back so we are looking super bowl all the way. Redskins are also good this year and the NFC East should be the best division in football.
Things started getting hazy around the half too, it was either the happiness I felt from prego hitting the road or the half gallon of vodka and 3 blunts, I’m sure a combo of both. This game was never really in jeopardy, but there are some sweet highlights
GB vs. Chi – This was the late game and I was fucked up. Everyone left and my girl came home and I made dinner really drunk, the kitchen looked like a blender was put on without a top. I remember sitting around watching the game after she went to sleep but I couldn’t tell you one thing that happened. A half of a bowl was sitting there this morning and an unfinished vodka 7 so it must have been fun for me. Here are the highlights which I just had to watch to find out what the fuck happened.
Now I remember the first half at least and Jay Cutler sucks balls, what a whiny little bitch that guy is and I’m happy they lost. Looks like I missed a good ending though, wonder if I watched it.
Two more games tonight the Pats are going to kill the Bills and the Chargers are going to kill the Raiders, good fun.
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