If you smoke weed it’s because life has graced you with a marijuana dealer – unless of course you’re lucky enough to be allowed to grow weed in your backyard. But those of us who still live in the dark ages have to meet with our pot sellers in order to smoke some herb. Everybody who buys from marijuana dealers knows that they can be very interesting characters. After visiting some marijuana dealers, I go home and smoke a joint and laugh about how funny the encounter has just been.
Even if you live in a weed friendly state, you know at least one of the dealers on this list. It’s why we love them!
The Shady dealer
“No – don’t meet me at my house! Meet me in the alleyway between Applebees and that strip-club” – I think that sums up the shady dealer. Why doesn’t he ever want to meet in front of his house? It’s like they want to be caught in the act and always meet in the shadiest place in town. The shady dealer always asks to meet somewhere dodgy… and will never let you come to his place.
The paranoido and the shady dealer are usually friends! If you’re buying from a paranoid marijuana dealer, you can’t ever text him anything. You gotta call – and you have to be really inconspicuous. How many times a week could someone want to come for a “coffee” with you? As if that isn’t shady, too! He always wants you to come alone and sometimes he won’t even tell you what his real name is.
The Aggressive Hustler
This dealer doesn’t think about anything other than making a sale. He calls you every time he has a new supply and especially if he has other illegal goodies. It’s like the guy can’t actually leave you alone – and for potheads it’s usually the other way around!
This is the dealer that doesn’t want to be a dealer all the time. Maybe he even has a day job. That means you know for sure his dealing phone is off between 9 and 5, so if you have that craving you have to wait for the right hour!
The “money isn’t the most important thing” dealer
There are dealers that love money – but not too much. He’s a good one to keep around. In fact, he probably likes weed more than he likes money and is excited to throw you a couple of grams for free every now and then because he wants you to get extra high.
Could this dealer be any more frustrating? There’s nothing worse than being told that you’ll get a call in 15 minutes and then never actually getting it. Sometimes dealers have even told me to meet them somewhere and they’ve never showed up. Now that’s a flake! You probably end up getting your weed the next day – but you’re pissed because you had to wait.
Ladies, be careful. This guy doesn’t sell weed because he loves it or because he wants to make money. For him it’s an opportunity to meet chicks (or guys depending on his preference). There’s always some sleezy insinuation – he wants a sexual favor in return for buds. It puts a gnarly edge on smoking herb. I rather just avoid this dealer all together.
I think it’s nice when people want to make friends. But sometimes you don’t want to mix business with pleasure. Some dealers are downright weird and there’s always weird people hanging out at their place. But they always want to have a super long conversation with you as if you’re best buddies. The entire exchange becomes a fight for you to get the hell out of there.
The Delivery Boy
If you could find a dealer that delivered pizza and weed, he would be a keeper. But if he just delivers weed, he’s a keeper too. It is awesome when a dealer will deliver your weed straight to your door – or do a mailbox money/weed exchange. It takes all the hassle out of having to find the time to get over there to score some herb. Despite the fact that driving around with weed is dangerous, he doesn’t mind going for a cruise.
Everybody remembers arriving at a dealer and feeling like you’re watching an infomercial. There’s nothing more annoying than when a dealer treats you as if you were born yesterday and have no idea about buying weed. A weed customer already wants to buy it… it doesn’t need to be an infomercial.
The Stingy Dealer
This marijuana dealer will sit there perfecting the scale until it is exactly what you’re going to be paying fore. Even if you’re his best customer, he’s never giving you more. And even if you’re a dollar short, you’re not walking away with buds.
Hallelujah! You found a rare and precious kind among weed dealers if you have a reliable one on call. He’s always stocked and he is always where he says he is going to be at exactly the time he says he’ll be there. This marijuana dealer probably doesn’t smoke weed himself.
The Backwards Dealer
The backwards marijuana dealer doesn’t actually care about making money off hustling weed. He just hates being out of pocket for his own habit. So he buys an ounce at a time, sells half of it to make up for what he spent on the other half. He never wins and never loses – but he always has something to smoke.
The Gift Giver
The gift giver almost always smokes you up when you come over because you buy weed from him. In most cases, this dealer is pretty chill. But if he’s kind of annoying, then you have to go through the pain of smoking a joint with someone who won’t shut up every time you want to stock up.
The One Hit Wonder
One Hit Wonders are a strange kind among pot sellers. For one reason or another, you only ever bought weed off them once! You got along great, you got a great deal and the weed you smoked was good. But then they disappeared off the face of the planet! This is an interesting phenomenon in the weed dealing business.
The Social Dealer
Most of my friends are social dealers. They don’t want the stress of being a full time pot dealer, so they just bring some extra buds to parties to sell. When you’re at a party and looking for smoke, you always hear “I bet X has some weed to sell”. But of course, you can never score off them during the week.
The Stationary Dealer
This hustler probably doesn’t have a phone. I think most small town dealers avoid phone conversations because it’s easier to be caught if you’re the only dealer in a small town. But you basically know where he’s going to be hanging out every day – so there’s no real need for a cell phone. You know exactly where to find him!
The Phone Dealer
The opposite of the stationary dealer is the phone dealer. You actually never know where the phone dealer is going to be – they never even seem to be at home. Do they ever sleep? But you can always call them. And they always want to meet somewhere different. It makes buying weed a surprise every time!
There’s up and a downside to well-known dealers. On the plus side, they’re usually well known because they always have stock and it’s usually good quality marijuana. On the other hand, when they are out of stock, everybody you ask keeps telling you to see that guy! If he’s the only one that everybody knows, then when he’s out of stock you’re in a little bit of trouble!
The middleman never keeps weed handy. He always has to call his dealer. It’s a little bit annoying, because you never know when or if he’s going to call you back. But you can guarantee that he has a million dealers lined up and always wants to make a buck for being the middleman. This dealer’s weed is usually more expensive than others because he wants to make it worth his while.
Everybody knows a weed dealer that fits one of the personality profiles listed in this article! It’s the quirkiness of a marijuana dealer that makes them so interesting – or annoying!